[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
This a good idea
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
For the baby who has everything
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
me and who
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”