Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

I’m too immature for adultery.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber