[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Planet of the Apps.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face