[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name