extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
No. YOU-buprofen.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option