extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Yup.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury