Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie