Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok