[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?