Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

I don’t know what to do

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.