Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now