Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

584.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

Word!

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online