extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators