extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
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A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Did I do this right
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”