Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…