Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[eats all your cotton candy]
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping