Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

This was my dad’s browser history.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.