Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

How about I get 100% off by already being there

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.