Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.