Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”