extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
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The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
the three branches of government
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed