extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Well, this is awkward
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?