extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Your honor these allegations are
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery