extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
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Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.