extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this