Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.