extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
this country is so goddamn polarized
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
one week till the election
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?