extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.