Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield