“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…