“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Too easy.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?