Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’