Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Autocorrect completely socks

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star