Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Comparing yourself to others

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

he chose this

my astrological sign is a french fry

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.