[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.