Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

🥲

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Bruh

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*