Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
You Might Also Like
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this