Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”