Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin: