Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Clients after you give them your rates

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala