Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes