Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!