Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
You Might Also Like
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!