Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.