Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Bear

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

SCARY COSTUME

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.