Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
That’s commitment
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No