@sfreeze6

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

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@Shade510

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.

@itswrigley

I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

@pittdave13

Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…

@ReeseButCallMeV

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

@EyeSeeYou619

[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra

@OctopusCaveman

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

@TheHyyyype

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

@daemonic3

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead