Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
a fate I wish upon no one
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me