*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
moms in horror movies
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
#parenting
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.