Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The pen is writier than the sword.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
When can I start eating bats again.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.