Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

Lmfao

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.