Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job