Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

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[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.


Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”


You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”


My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.


Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.


I swear…I think restaurants with drive thru’s identify the dumbest employee and say “here, you get to wear the headset”


No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.


i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight