Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
peak technology
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job