Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.