Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks