[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.