Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…