Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”