F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
You Might Also Like
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.