Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.