Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.