Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

I’m Sold!

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.