F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
You Might Also Like
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry