Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

saving face 👀

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.