Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”