Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35