F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
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just arby’s bein’ a bro
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.