Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EA_LGkuXoAI7dml.mp4

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.