F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Trying
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still