Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

Dance like you’re not the father

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

reviewed some movies recently

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out