[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
You Might Also Like
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Great acting.. 😂
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.