[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest