Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

School be like

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids: