[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
こいつ天才
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.