[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire