Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled