Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.