Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.