Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
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Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif