Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time